Non-Sexual BDSM

This was written for the December 2014 Carnival of Aces on “Touch, Sensuality, and Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy”

For me, BDSM is completely non-sexual and I never desire for it to lead to anything sexual.  My mind just doesn’t make an intuitive connection between the two.  The pleasure I get from BDSM is simply about playing with the physical sensations and emotional states that BDSM involves.

It might be ouchy, thuddy, stingy of impact play.  The heat from dripping wax, or the cold of an ice cube.  Or tickly, scratchy, soft sensation play.  The coarseness of hemp rope.  It might be feeling scared, safe, trapped, free, in control, vulnerable, powerful, comforted.  Or the shared experience with a friend or partner, creating a beautiful play scene together.  Being a canvass for another’s creativity.

For me, it’s not about being turned on or sexual pleasure.  It doesn’t matter if I’m not sexually (or romantically or sensually) attracted to the other person.  I do BDSM because I want to feel something, with my whole body, mind and soul.  And as a way of connecting with a friend or lover.

It’s difficult to describe exactly what is non-sexual BDSM.  Everybody feels or thinks differently about where exactly the boundary between sexual and non-sexual lies.  To me kissing doesn’t feel sexual at all, but for other people it does.  On top of that how something feels isn’t always rational or easy to put into words.  Roughly the things I feel to be sexual are any intimate activity that involves genital contact or sight.  But my feelings don’t follow that as a hard and fast rule, and there are exceptions.

So when it comes to negotiating non-sexual play, just saying I don’t want to do anything sexual isn’t really enough.  It needs to be much more specific.  Which sexual acts or behaviours are okay, and which are hard limits.  Whether all genital contact is off the table, or just genital contact with hands/body, or are certain toys are fine.  Which parts of your body are okay to touch, or are breasts, nipples, mouth, genital region, etc off limits.  Whether clothing or underwear needs to be worn, or if you are comfortable with full nudity.  I still find these conversations really awkward, but it is better than miscommunications ruining a play session or relationship.

Another thing I like knowing when negotiating play is what the other person enjoys about BDSM and their reasons for doing it.  I find this helpful anyway for finding a play style that suits us both, and knowing what to expect from each other.  But also find it reassuring to know if they can enjoy BDSM for reasons other than sex.

For many people BDSM is intensely sexual, and there’s obviously nothing wrong with that.  It just means that if somebody doesn’t enjoy BDSM without sex being involved, then we’re not compatible.

But finding people who are open to non-sexual play isn’t particularly difficult.  The fetish clubs I’ve been to have tended not to have much – if any – sexual play going on.  So I’ve always felt pretty safe playing with people in clubs.  And since being involved in the kink community, I’ve met plenty of people who are able to enjoy BDSM without it being sexual.